yodathedark: (sad bunny)
[personal profile] yodathedark

This is something that's been plaguing me for a long time now. And I have to say, I think I've reached the point where I feel comfortable posting it online.

At least, I feel comfortable enough to take the leap and post it. As I type this, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it. I'm typing it on my Tumblr blog and I plan to post it on my Livejournal as well, but I don't know if it'll be friends-only there or not yet. Depends how I feel when I get there I think.

After all, Tumblr is open to all, so why not post it to everyone on LJ as well? One of the answers to that is of course that only a few people even know about the existence of my Tumblr, so anyone potentially reading it would likely be a stranger, and for some reason that's more comfortable than having lots of my friends definitely reading it.

But I will take the plunge. I'll broadcast this out, via my Twitter to my Buzz as well, though I will remove it from my Facebook. Friends are one thing - family are another. And there are young folk who would see my FB.

Anyhow... to get to the matter at hand... If you don't want to read it, don't feel you have to. I just want to put it out there.

Back when I came to uni, I was fresh-faced and ready to take on whatever the world could throw at me. More or less. I convinced myself that I was at the very least bi-curious, and that I'd take any opportunities offered to me to experience whatever life had to offer.

Of course, I was actually repressing my shy nature, and had absolutely no luck with girls anyway - never mind boys, so I wasn't getting anywhere fast.

I fell in with the Watt Gamers crowd, and through them, fell into LARPing - particularly Lorien Trust. And it was at one of the LT main events that things happened.

See, I'd made friends (prompted by other folk) with one of the older guys who attended the events. We both had a shared like of tea, and with him being a bit movement-impaired, I ended up doing lots of tea-runs. I have to say I enjoyed it - he was a nice guy and we had various chats about things. Though he was a bit of a bitter old man a fair bit.

One of the problems he had was a bad back. At one of the main events, the lad he normally did stuff with wasn't there, and his back was playing up. He asked if I'd mind giving him a massage. He was a professional masseuse and he'd talk me through it. I didn't mind, so we ended up going back to his tent at the end of the day so I could give him a massage.

This, for reference, is where I picked up all of my massage tricks - so that's one thing to be thankful for.

After the massage, he invited me to stay the night in his huge tent rather than going back to my rather small one in the dark. I said sure. He offered space on his double air-bed (and I'm talking size of a normal bed, not just an air mattress). I again agreed.

He normally slept naked - did I mind? No, I said as I stripped to my boxers.

Now, don't get me wrong. I did know where this was heading. But I was foolish, and young, and I steeled my courage and told myself I wanted to try it.

To cut to the chase, there was fondling, some probing and a half-hearted blowjob on his part. I didn't get further than stroking him. I think it was about 5am when I left the tent, having left him to sleep after I cleaned his cum off my chest and got my stuff.

I couldn't sleep. I sat around in the group tent with a puzzle book, staring blankly at it. I seem to remember that I wandered over to the showers in a daze at some point. No specific memories - a lot of it I blocked out.

That was pretty much the last time I talked to him. It left me fairly fucked up for a while. Wasn't until a year and a half or so later that I actually got around to really thinking about relationships again. Took me a while before I could even contemplate anything sexual. The next time I did anything was getting together with Kim, and well... that didn't exactly have a lot going for it.

But yeh, that was what? maybe 5 years ago and it still affects me now. Still shakes me to the core sometimes. That's the seed of a lot of my issues, I think.

I've only shared this story with a few people, and never in this much depth. And now, I feel I can actually share it openly.

Thanks - you're all a great bunch.

I'm not sure what I am any more. I still consider myself curious. I still wonder what it'd be like. Spent a night up talking and cuddling with a lovely gay guy not that long ago. It was nice, but I'm not sure I'm ready to do more than that.

Again, thanks. I wouldn't be the person I am now without you all. And if you weren't the people you were, I wouldn't be sharing this.

Date: 2010-04-03 02:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] faerierhona.livejournal.com
*hughs* I am about to go out, but tomorrow, if you want to talk, feel free to IM me and we can chat. Good on you for writing this

Date: 2010-04-03 02:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yodathedark.livejournal.com
I'm good, I think. Thanks though.

It is people like you that's made me far more comfortable talking about stuff in general - including this.

Date: 2010-04-03 02:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] luckylove.livejournal.com
I don't have anything to say but just wanted to let you know I read this.

Date: 2010-04-04 08:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] akonken.livejournal.com
Yeah, ditto.

Date: 2010-04-03 02:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lady-ellinor.livejournal.com
It can't be easy to talk about something that left you so traumatised, but good for you for doing so.

Date: 2010-04-03 09:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] out0fcontrol.livejournal.com
*hugs* I know who you are talking about as well, but lets say I don't think less of you or anything. Everyone sometimes feels the need to experiment. If you do need real hugs you know I'm not that far away OK hun???


Date: 2010-04-03 10:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] k1tty-tails.livejournal.com
pm me if you need to I belive many a lad has had this exerience with him (if i think i know who your talking about) Just know I know you are not alone xxx

Date: 2010-04-03 11:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yodathedark.livejournal.com
If you're thinking a certain person who used to play with Wolf Storm, then you're right.

Date: 2010-04-04 11:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rebel-wulf.livejournal.com
He's still fucking dead when i next see him.

Date: 2010-04-04 11:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yodathedark.livejournal.com
Yeh, you said that when I told you the first time too.

You don't need to kill him. I wouldn't want you going to prison after all...

Date: 2010-04-03 11:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] astatine210.livejournal.com
Best of luck finding out who you really are. Be patient; I've seen the search take a long time for some people.

Date: 2010-04-03 11:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yodathedark.livejournal.com
I've been trying to figure it out for years. I'll let you know if I make progress.

Date: 2010-04-04 02:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sazi-medea.livejournal.com
I'm so glad that you were able to post about this. I'm feeling a little inspired to get to the bottom of some of my own similar issues soon now, so thanks :). That shows real strength that you're able to share it now and be so coherent about it. We've only met a few times but I wanted to say well done and do get in touch if you'd like a rant or a chat or such. *hugs for you*

Date: 2010-04-04 02:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yodathedark.livejournal.com
Thanks Sazi.

Might have only been a few times, but I liked our crazy chats.

It's people like you, the ones I've only met a few times, and have met over the last two years (but gotten to know in the last year or so) that have made me able to talk about this kind of thing more openly.

So thanks :)

Date: 2010-04-04 12:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sazi-medea.livejournal.com
:) Haha, me too. Craziness is the way. And I'm really glad to hear that. Would be excellent to have more of the aforementioned crazy chats!

Date: 2010-04-04 12:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yodathedark.livejournal.com
Well, I'm usually online at all hours... :D

And my phone number is on FB if you want to randomly text me stuff.

Date: 2010-04-15 02:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] weremouse.livejournal.com
Like everyone else... I'm glad you feel able to speak more openly about something like this now, and I'm here if you need me.
Who you are is an elusive thing sometimes, but know that I think the guy you are is awesome, and you're not alone in the puzzling it out.

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